Am I Blind?

This is more of a journal, evaluating my thoughts. Am I so blind that I cannot see what my children accuse me of.  One child accused me of beating his mother daily, and said the other child agreed with him. So yes it hurt deeply.  I do not get birthday cards or fathersday cards and have not for as many years as I can remember. I remember  the weekend of January 3rd, 1993. It was the last Sunday of the Christmas to New Years day Holiday and the next day I returned to work. I do not remember hearing even the words Happy Birthday, no card, no cake, no nothing. I exploded verbally before I went to work that Monday morning. On the job that Monday morning I exploded verbally again the first confrontation I had. I then walked to medical, I knew something was wrong. the Doctor asked me to talk about my life what is going on in my personal life. I was there for an hour. When I left that office that morning the doctor said I was so emotionally drained that I did not have anything left to give to anyone.  I was at the very end of what had been a bad twenty year marriage. I had every thing going my way a year earlier, I was back in the house, had custody and I made the mistake of letting my children's mother back in the house, because when she got out of jail she had no place to go. I thought I'd give it one more try.  I told the doctor of her trying to burn down the house. The separations, the men I knew of that she had cheated on me with. My hands would literally shake as I was talking.  I have actually forgotten a lot as I write this today.  The doctor put me on medical leave for a month. The only condition was I had to see a doctor on a card he gave me once a week for that next month. I had to go directly from that office and leave the plant, I could not go back to my desk at all. This doctor would talk to my supervisor himself. The doctor said I can do this for now but what is happening at home only you can fix whatever that is.  I realized I needed to leave for good.  The words spoken recently reminded me of that weekend, and of that time of my life in particular. I left with my clothes and my truck. I didn't see how I was going to live. I don't know if I left the house immediately but when I went back to work I was living in my truck. I'd sleep in my truck and go into an exercise area and take a shower and go to work.  I'd park in the parking lot at night to sleep. I am not sure how long I did this before I got caught by security and they told me I couldn't do this I had to find a place to live. I didn't see how I could and still pay the house payment and the utilities at the house, where my kids lived.  But first I found a room to rent and I didn't stay there very long,  I just didn't feel comfortable. Then I found a studio apartment where I had a bedroom and a small kitchen but a shared bathroom and shower.  One day my landlord came to me and said you do not really fit in here, I have a tiny one bedroom apartment with its own bath, it is a little more money but I think it fits you better. and I moved again and I was happy. The divorce finalized that fall and the house sold in three days after it was listed.  I was relieved. I was taken to support enforcement even though I had been paying the house note the utilities and groceries for the house but I hadn't actually paid child support. They set my child support, it was a couple hundred dollars less than what I had been paying in bills at the house. But I would have lost it, because I could not pay the child support in addition to the house payment. It was on their mother to pay all that stuff with her job and the child support but she would not pay the house payment.  So when she agreed to sell I jumped at the chance. Like I said it sold for the full price in three days.   I thanked God.  I didn't have to pay any back child support because I had records of everything I paid and it was a couple hundred a month more than what they figured my support would be. Thank God for those records.  The sister of my ex-wife thanked me for what I did for her sister, she said she didn't know any man that would have gone as far as I did to help her sister.  I told my ex's father of the divorce settlement and of the cash she would get from the sale of the house. I got the Boeing retirement and the VIP and she got the majority of the house.  I was hoping her father could help her get another house before she blew the money.  Her father said, she will not listen to me, as far as I am concerned she threw away the best financial adviser she could have had. So I hear these kind words  from her family and I think how did they not see the nightly beatings I am accused of?  I moved on. I loved my children and still do. I don't think they know half of what I went through with their mother. It was a bad marriage. I do believe they have been tainted against me by the things she said. She had a restraining order against me, but she was the one that violated it by knocking on my bedroom window  in the middle of the night at the first place I was staying during our previous separation. (that too does not sound like there were nightly beatings). Any way I do not remember any nightly beatings.  I am either very blind or they are lying.   I do know my ex talked to people at a bar to pay them to have me beat up, it never happened. It was a very bad marriage, and I grew up thinking it was for life. The Church I grew up in taught like divorce was almost the unpardonable sin. I should have left a lot sooner. But my kids blame me and especially my son will not talk to me. I think they attribute to me a lot of the hurt caused by their mother. Even if I had been as bad as they describe, they would need to forgive me and move on also or it will mess up their lives . Actually it already has messed them up and they blame me. That is my story and I am sticking to it.  God bless, LVZ.  After this post you will not see much from me as I will be rewriting any post at least five days and five rewrites before I post anything. I am very hurt and I can't get what my children have said out of my head.  I have not done that to this post, it is what it is. If I did rewrite this again and again I'd probably end up deleting the whole thing. If what they say about me is true, I was a pretty bad person. I am thankful for grace and mercy. I am thankful that  God forgives even the vilest person.  I claim to be a Christian, disrespect and all, I stand on the word that God will forgive any sin. The story is the same for everyone, except for the grace of God where would I be?  If everything my kids say is true, God still forgives and makes us whole.  My children have absolutely no respect for me. The family dysfunction is firmly planted in  the next generation. Only God can fix through his grace (getting what we don't deserve) and mercy (not getting what we do deserve) , I have done all I know to do.  This story is out there, God is merciful and I thank him that I am what he says I am, not what others say or what my past says about me. I am a new creature in Christ. If what they said is true I can still be cleansed by God and spend an eternity with him when my time is up. God forgives, do we?