Search Me

Search me, O God, and know my heart! Try me and know my thoughts! And see if there be any grievous way in me, and lead me in the way everlasting! Psalm 139:23-24
I have been trying to look into my heart. This scripture says to see if there be any grievous way in me and in 2 Chronicles 7:14 it says to turn from their wicked ways.  Then in Romans; If possible, so far as it depends on you, live peaceably with all.  Romans 12:18  So I just blogged about humility and where humility is there is peace. The reason I am trying to look inside is because I know there is conflict between me and others.  I pray about it and I know it is never just one persons fault. God help me to see my part in this. I want to write letters but I am afraid I come off as self righteous. I want to own my part and nothing more. I have asked God to search my heart, and two names come up. Were my words harsh? Was I out of line with the things I said? If I find fault, it would be in this, did it need to be said? In one case I say yes, it needed to be said. When I look at my son, I wonder where did I go wrong? Should I have spoke out, you are not really my son, you are a product of your mother and some other man. That don't even sound right, yet because I tried to raise him as my own, he feels I lied to him. I have brought this to God. I tried to be a father to a child that was not my seed. Now that he is old, he will not talk to me. I lied to him because I never told him I wasn't his real Dad. That is a whole subject in itself, what makes one a Dad? Is it the one that raises you, puts food in your mouth by bringing home the bacon and putting a roof over your head. Disciplining and trying to teach you right from wrong. Putting clothes on your back. Making you go to school. But because I didn't plant the seed and didn't tell him it was some other man, I lied? What was more important, 18 years of clothes, food, shelter, discipline, instruction or saying I did not plant the seed?  Does planting the seed make you a Dad, if you are not there ever in their lives? What have I done that banishes me to a state of an evil person that is not worthy of respect after raising a kid his whole growing up years.  Honestly, it hurts. Did I sow this in my past? where? Was I too harsh in discipline, join the club, what child alive today does not think that? And sometimes it is true.  I look around me and I see better parents and I see worse. I saw a child raised without a father ever in her life. No one bought her clothes, No one made her go to school.  Her Grand mother said in front of her I do not want you. I know of a parent that was passed out stoned drunk or on drugs and could not hear her children crying, because she was passed out. I hear recently of a sophomore in a local school, playing basketball and his feet were coming out of his shoes. He is the oldest of 11 siblings and his mother is in the hospital. Is there a Dad in the picture, I have no idea. I know of another young man, raised by grandparents, going to his first year of college about 50 miles from here. His Grandmother wrecked his car, totaled it. Then the grandparents moved to Texas, leaving him in college, with no transportation, and where does he go when the school shuts down for the holiday. Yes it hurts when I think, I raised this kid as my own and loved him as if he were mine. He was, because I raised him. Search my heart o God, what have I done wrong? God bless, LVZ.